Lakes and Crakes

While many believe in a monster (known colloquially as ‘Champ’) who inhabits Lake Champlain, this photo shows disturbing evidence of another type of monster living in these quiet waters—a giant swan (known colloquially-er as ‘Gilberta’?).

Cinaverat Fimos: Vacuum Extraordinaire

Young Cinaverat Fimos1, vacuum extraordinaire, enjoyed eating dirt. He also liked to listen to his owner sing covers of Lady Gaga songs about love2 to him. Cinaverat Fimos often didn’t understand the lyrics, but he tried to enjoy the rhythms and notes.

His life started to suck the day he found himself tasting concrete.

“And STAY out,” his owner screamed. Cinaverat Fimos was optimistic and licked the sand off some little sidewalk pebbles.

“Hey, this isn’t too bad,” he thought to himself, “I could get used to this.” Just then two wicked girls ran by and started pushing him around and spitting on him.

              “You SUCK!” They yelled at him, laughing. He nodded, but grew wary of their attentions. He decided to drink a potion that an ancient and wise ironing board gave him a while ago.

           



               When he swallowed it, everyone fell in love with him and chased him around trying to ogle his trash sack. You see, the ironing board had been ancient and senile and had given Cinaverat Fimos a strong philter. It was so strong, that to escape the throngs of civilians, Cinaverat Fimos gave a mighty bound and leapt into a tree. 

             Unfortunately, Cinaverat Fimos, in all his thundering youth and stupidity, forgot that vacuums can’t climb down from trees so he died. Some people say that they can still see the ghostly remains of his fan belt sucking sadly at Vermont treetops, but some people are liars.

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1 Foreshadowing #1 [(Please forgive my (rusty Latin/ dear Aunt Sally)]

2 Foreshadowing #2

Worrisome Fossil

Fossils sometimes appear in unlikely places. Often when this happens in America, instead of slaps on boney wrists, the powers that be give out medals. These naughty bags of bones become known as “State Fossils.” Disregarding the blatant favoritism involved with getting awards (not punishments) for being in unusual places1, let’s look at an example.

The Vermont State Fossil (Delphinapterus leucas, ‘Dauphin’ for short) was found when some 1849y locals dug it up looking for a railroad. They called it “Burt” but were reportedly disappointed by its dull attitude towards life. Upon giving to the government2 it was renamed with much sciencey thought. In 1993 it was given an award for being so whale-like, dead, and Vermonty3.

However many issues I have with fossils and their privileges, I have no bones to pick with their deadness. That is exactly why this recent fossil find of mine is so terrifying.

I have reason to believe that this orange bone is a fossil of some tall and terrifying beast. A beast which roams the streets of Chiang Mai in odious packs. I have yet to see a living form of this monster, but neither have I seen a bodied one in death. They are alive, or they are fossils. I truly am at a loss. Even as I write this I lock my windows and try not to make eye contact with the faces peeping in. 

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1 “Roofs of academic buildings are for keeping rain and snow out of classrooms, NOT for bawdy children to crawl all over.” –Saint Michael’s Security Guard #3

2 Probably still the Green Mountain Boys at this time, although I make no claims as to being a historian.

3 “That was the worst acceptance speech I’ve ever heard in my whole goddamn life.” –Saint Michael’s Security Guard #3

Olde Monsters: Money

Some aspects of monstrosity are those which come hand in hand with living in a capitalist society. Money makes the world go around; there is no limit to what can be put up for sale.

Trinkets, food, clothing, potted plants: these are the obvious examples of things which are available to be bought or sold. Buying any of these objects exemplify (even as this example simplifies) the utilitarian aspect of money. The idea of weaving yards of material out of cotton fibers to barter it for apples does not appeal to me. I would much rather wipe the butts of the elderly or speak in broken English with Thai people to make money I can buy apples with.

I’m not concerned about the buying and selling of tee-shirts or fruit, but I quake at the idea that happiness or love (themselves intangible and abstract) are able to be bought with the same money with which I buy socks. I do not feel loving, loved or even particularly happy when I buy socks. Even when I feel grateful at purchasing fruit, my gratitude stems not from ownership of fruit, but from the growls in my abdomen which are quenched when I eat the fruit.

I fear for the future of the beautiful young man pictured here. His pose indicates that he not only believes in the statement graffitied behind him but is enthralled with its message. In order to counteract this message, I will buy socks fervently and with growing depression until I can make this person understand that money does not equal love/happiness. I encourage all of you to do the same.

Plagiarism: Where are Simon and Garfunkels' Scarlet ‘P’s?

Which came first:

The beloved folk/pop group’s first #1 hit,

or

this laminated piece of paper taped by a staircase at a guesthouse in Chiang Mai?