Tomatoface Killah

I never met a Tomatoface Killah I didn’t like.

EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE.

Ollenulus Peepus

Let’s pretend for a second that it’s Easter—

You’re with your entire family. The Easter Bunny showed up trailing baskets stuffed with decorative grass. Your house reeks of the lamb cooking in the oven that your mom only makes for your dad on special occasions because it smells so strongly.

You are, of course, holding the traditional holiday candy called “Peeps” in your hand which you gobble all of in under 2 minutes.

You feel almost immediately sick.

Want to know why?

“Peeps,” otherwise known as Ollenulus Peepus, are actually an extinct and fossilized species. When you eat “Peeps” you are therefore eating fossils.

Should you eat fossils? I don’t think so; they undoubtedly cause stomachache.

Be safe this Easter holiday; be Peepless.  

Monster Blood

Besides being a Goosebumps book, Monster Blood also courses through monster veins and arteries. It pumps through monster hearts. 

Octoblossoms

Masquerading as harmless seeds in your crooked garden, Octoblossoms are dangerous crooks. They have crooked teeth, a crooked smile, a bunch of little crooked legs, and crooked little cute skirts.

They will destroy you by hook or by crook.

Probably by crook.

Keep an eye out for their crooked little box houses made of sticky tacky. 

Cat Butt-Head

If you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll want a glass of milk.

If you give a cat some sunglasses, he’ll unleash the horrifying snub-nosed creature that lives in his rear.

In Loving Memory of a Very Stupid Cat: Tiger (1996-2010)